My first Orthodox birthday!

That's right folks, today I celebrate my first year in the Orthodox Church! It is hard to believe a year has flown by since I was baptized. We are at such a different place in Lent right now being at the halfway point compared to last year's Lent when April 5th was Holy Monday, the first day of the home stretch.

I feel that it is by God's grace that the anniversary of me baptism comes today, shortly after the Sunday of the Veneration of the Holy Cross when we are urged to "take up our crosses and follow Him." This Lent has been very different from last year in that I have been struggling to focus in services, in my prayer life, and in my fasting. These of course, are always struggles but last year I was so full of fervor, striving whole heartedly towards my baptism. This year's focus for me has been very much one of renewal of my faith and remembering to give thanks for all of the many blessings I have received this year.

I am often reminded of St. John Crysostom's homily that we hear every Pascha in which he says something to the effect of "Even those who come at the 11th hour come, come and receive the light!" I remember thinking last year when I heard that, "Gosh, I sure am glad that I am not just breezin' in here at the 11th hour! How much could one gain from celebrating Lent without the struggle of dying to one's passions and walking with Christ to the Cross?" This year however, I can understand how this can happen to people and I feel like the way things have been going until now that could have been me this year. But it is not going to be because God in His divine wisdom (I love it when Fr. says that) has given me this day to reflect on my journey since my baptism.

I remember after my baptism feeling like I was literally walking on air for a week afterwards. Nothing could touch me not any person, or negative thoughts, God's grace consumed me. Here is an excerpt from my journal entry that I wrote last year a few hours after my baptism:

"Today I became a member of the Orthodox Church. To even write those words is an amazing and wonderful feeling after three years of struggling with my faith. I received Baptism, Chrismation, tonsuring and then finally, Holy Communion. It is really hard to find words to describe what I am feeling right now. I have wanted this for so long I am just overjoyed, overwhelmed with happiness and love for God and His grace."

But that couldn't last forever and like Theophan told me as I walked out of the doors of the church on my big day "Congratulations, you've won the battle, welcome to the war!" Only now do I truly understand what he meant. This Lent is hard, being Orthodox every day of my life is hard, but it's not suppose to be easy that's what "taking up your Cross and following Christ" is all about. We are called to die to our earthly desires and passions and point our eyes towards God, focusing on the life which is to come. Oh how easy it is to say, to hear, to read, but doing, actually doing, is another story.

Why is it so hard? Is what God asks of me so much compared to what He has given to me? How selfish I am to complain about giving my time, my talents, my desire for cheese, ice cream and a big slice of cheese pizza when God has blessed me with so much that most people in the world do not and will not ever have, a home, a loving family, an education, a career, wonderful friends, and an amazing Church family? My life now is so full, literally night and day compared to the person I was just two years ago before I came back to Orthodoxy and sought it with my whole heart.

Before I came to St. John's I was lost in many ways. Spiritually I was at an all time low, being forced to choose between keeping my closest friends and becoming Orthodox. I graduated from college prepared (so I thought) for what "the real world" had to offer. Whitman had groomed me to be this intelligent, open-minded, goal-oriented, courageous, "go out there and conquer the world" woman but the problem was I didn't really know what it was that I was suppose to do. So I was lost career wise, estranged spiritually and separated from all of my friends. Nothing in my life made me happy, something was missing, something big, a void that could only have been filled by God. And thanks to God it was filled by my new life in the community of St. John the Baptist. The second I walked in the door I felt this overwhelming since of being "home." I know that is the way a lot of people describe coming into an Orthodox Church after searching, but it really is the perfect way to describe it since it truly is the closest thing on earth to our eternal Home in Heaven worshiping God with all of the Saints and the Angelic Powers.

My life now is so rich, so full of the joy that comes only from God's presence in my life and seeing God's presence in those around me. Glory to God for all things! Thank you to my friends and family for all of your love and support this past year! And to my little brother Job and my big sister Xenia, Happy Orthodox Birthday! May God grant you both many years!