Been Through the Desert on a Horse with No Name...

Life is not easy. The world in which we live is a difficult place filled with countless daily challenges. These things I know. Sometimes it takes spending some time away from "the world" to realize just how difficult and how sinful our fallen world really is. I am sitting here on a breezy Saturday afternoon looking out the kitchen window, thinking about all of the things I "should" be doing. However, writing this blog is what I believe the most necessary thing for me to be doing right at this moment. I need to write this post not just because it is the third time since the begining of Lent that I have started it, and not just because people have been telling me that they are tired of waiting for another one, but because I need to process all of the feelings, thoughts and opinions about the past few weeks which have spent too much time swimming around in my subconscious waiting to find a home and a purpose in my life.

As many of you know, I was blessed with the opportunity to spend my Spring Break in Arizona, where I visited St. Anthony's Greek Orthodox Monastery. The weeks leading up to this trip were difficult to say the least. Clean Week started out fine, I had been looking forward to the fasting and all of the beautiful services associated with the first week of Lent. The second and third weeks however, presented many challenges. I was staying up late every night to write a grant and getting behind on my classroom grading. This was followed by a week of teaching while trying to write report cards on top of five days of sickness in which I still taught while feeling horrible. The purpose of explaining all of this is not for pity, (because we all have lives filled with challenges and mine I'm sure are nothing compared to others) but to set you up for understanding how much-needed my trip was. By the start of the week before my trip, on Monday, March 20th, I didn't know how I could make through one more week at work.

My worries and struggles at work were not the only things that were weighing on me. A few weeks before Lent some things were brought to my attention that were really hard to swallow. I used to believe that I knew things like when, where, and why I sin. Sin, I know, is a conscious turning away from God. For the most part we know when we are doing something that is wrong, hurtful, or dishonest. For this reason I had always pondered the deeper meaning behind the words of the prayers that we say which include lines like "Forgive all the sins I have committed this day both in my humanity and inhumanity, in sins voluntary and involuntary, known and unknown, from my youth, from evil suggestions, haste and despondency." What, I asked, where these involuntary and unknown sins? Prayers like these used to comfort me because I felt like they were like a blanket covering all of these which I didn't know I had committed.

It was these unknown sins which were brought to my attention just before Lent. These sins were things that I do (and don't do) in word, action, deed, and my body language which hurt others. Examples of these are simple and seemingly benign like, not smiling or saying hi to people when I see them, being terse in conversation, or chosing to speak only to my small group of friends. I'll admit that my immediate reaction to this information was defensive. What did they mean I don't smile? I say hi to people, I try to talk to people I don't know...right? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this person was right. I tried to make excuses to myself, "I am just a hard person to get to know, I am shy, insecure, not good at small talk" etc.

When it came down to it, at the root of these unknown sins was pride. According to St. Isaac the Syrian pride is (among other things,) "the glory of power, the urge to adorn oneself and be liked; craving for praise; and the concern and anxiety for physical well-being." He states that "All these are of the world; they combine deceitfully to hold us in heavy bonds." There is simply no excuse for not smiling at someone when I see them or not making an effort to talk to people that I don't know very well. If I were truly seeking God, I would be striving for humility in all areas of my life. I would recognize God in every person that I come into contact with and treat them just like I would when seeing someone that I love.

So throughout Lent, in addition to my normal everyday struggles at work, I was wrestling with the fact that I am terribly prideful person and I was trying to work on being more aware of how I treat others in every aspect of my life, including my students in my classroom, co-workers, family, roomates, friends, and church family. The problem was, the more I tried, the more I realized how serious of a problem this really is. Everywhere I turned I was faced with an opportunity to humble myself. It literally overwhelmed me and made me feel like the best thing to do was just to separate myself completely from the people I was closest to. This kind of happened naturally as there weren't very many weekday services in the week before I left and then once I left for my trip I had a week of being away to reflect and regroup.

Needless to say, the trip was absolutely amazing. We left on Saturday right after the Annuciation service. We drove straight from Portland all the way to Fresno, California in one dose. It was a long and arduous drive down the I-5 "slab" as my dad refers to it. We got to our hotel at 2am where we were greeted not so friendily by Monte, the night desk clerk at the Marriot by the Airport in Fresno. We stayed in room 333 which we found to be a perfect number for us, the Trinity, 3 times. Exhausted, we fell into our fluffy king sized bed for a five hour rest.

Later that morning we got up at 7:30 at drove to Dunlap, CA, where we attended Divine Liturgy at the Monastery of the Theotokos of the Life Giving Spring. It was unlike any monastery that I had been to in America, built in traditional Byzantine style architecture, reminding me of the monasteries that I visited while in Greece. I was unbelievably tired having driven the last shift the night before, but once I stepped foot inside the church, all fatigue was lost and I felt myself completely immersed in the service. The nuns’ chanting was amazing, back and forth between the two wings of the chapel in traditional antiphon style. The place where we were standing in the back of the church on the left side with the women was cool and dark, in stark contrast the whole of the church where the nuns were standing, which was lit with rays of sunshine, illuminating the angelic faces of the nuns huddled around the chanting stand. For the first time in a long time, I was truly focused on the service, undistracted by cares, concerns and worries of the world which I had left behind. It felt good.

After the service we ate lunch in the Trapeza with the nuns and fellow attendees. Then before we left we met Mother Markella, the abbess, and Father Michael, the new priest of the monastery from Chico. They were both very warm and friendly. Mother Markella gave us each an icon of the Theotokos of the Life Giving Spring and Father Michael, (whom Christy had met before on her trip to California last summer) invited us all to come back in the summer and stay longer. While we talked to Father, Mother Markella started to pull a few weeds which she had noticed in the area behind where we were standing. We asked Father to translate the words on the icon which Mother Markella had given us, he looked at the characters quizzically and started to sound them out phonetically. Then finally he said, "This is not Greek it is Russian! Where did you get this?" Right at that moment, Mother Markella popped up from behind a bush and said (with her thick Greek accent) "I gave it to them! It tis frum Russia!" This might be one of those had to be there kind of moments but the interaction between the two of them was priceless.

We got back on the road and drove to Phoenix that day, arriving at Annie Thrasher's house late at night. We spent the next two days relaxing with Annie. We went hiking, shopping, to church, to a major league spring training game, and spent time with her and her family. We had so much fun that it was difficult to say goodbye. However, it was time to embark for the true destination and purpose of our journey, St. Anthony's Monastery.

The drive from Phoenix to Florence was beautiful. It was mostly desert surrounded on every side by rolling mountains if you will. By "rolling mountains" I mean they are not real mountains like ones we have here in Oregon but low rolling things slightly higher than hills. In any case, they were "in the backdrop" as Christine Whitton would say. The sky was hazy and the scenery around the road was sprinkled with ginormous saguaro cacti. I was in cacti heaven and wishing that I wasn't driving so I could sit in the back seat and gaze at their size and awkward shapes. They were literally 40 feet tall! I had never seen such things in my life, I felt like a foreigner experiencing a store like Fred Meyers for the first time, overwhelmed and awe struck. (I promise to write a post just about my obsession with cacti soon so at to not waste any more time on the subject here.)

Believe it or not we made it to the monastery despite my cacti distractions just in time for the Great Compline service. Photographs cannot capture nor words describe what it was like to be at St. Anthony's. One must really experience it for themselves. The sanctuary of the main chapel was a lot like the one at the monastery we visited in Dunlap only more spacious and grand. Everything inside was exquisite, from the magnificent hand painted icons and gold chandelier to the elaborately designed marble floor, there was so much to look at, yet it all pointed towards God, reminding the visitor of His awesome power. I was overwhelmed throughout the service just by the fact that I was there, in a place where I had always wanted to go but never thought I would, at least not at this point in my life. I felt so blessed just to be there, listening the monks' chanting, breathing the insense, and praying silently to myself. Everything happenend so quickly and soon, we were outside on the patio in front of the church meeting people.

After finding our room we went on a tour of the spectacular gardens which wound their way throughout the monastery grounds, twisting and turning around countless chapels, churches, fountains and quiet resting areas. The monastery is truly an oasis in the desert, full of so many beautiful examples of God's creation. My favorite was the palm tree lined path which led to our guest house which passed by a church, a tower, and two fountains. It was kind of like being a swanky spa/resort but instead of pools, massages, and manicures for the body, there were services, prayer, and time for reflection to improve the health the soul.

Our tour came to a close just as the sun was about to set so we went on a "hike" just outside the monastery gates to this hill with a giant cross on it overlooking the monastery. We watched the sunset over the monastery. It was one of those sunsets where the sky opens up in just one spot allowing rays of light pour forth from the clouds. The light shone perfectly through the clouds illuminating the hills just behind the monastery giving the whole sky a hazy feel like incense lingering in the air just after a censing. It didn't look real to me. I just stood there, branding the scene into my mind until the yellow glow disappeared into the horizon. (By "just stood there" I mean I simultaneously took about 20 pictures while I could.)

We retired to bed at 9pm which is late for people living on monastery time. The liturgy started at 3am so we had to ensure that we had at least some rest beforehand. I thought I would be tired once 2:45 rolled around but when our alarm went off I found myself surprisingly well rested and anxious to attend service. Like I mentioned before, I am really having a hard time finding words to describe certain things and the feeling of being in this service is one of them. It was one of the most amazing services I have ever been to, if you are Orthodox, then you know that chances are, I have been to a lot of services in my day. But this was different. It was peaceful, I was incredibly focused and I felt an overwhelming sense of love. I don't understand how a place that is such a spiritual battlefield for the monastics can at the same time, be the place where I felt God's presence so strongly like I was wrapped in a blanket of His love. I have never before been so disappointed that a service had ended so quickly. It was a Pre-Sanctified Liturgy so it was only an hour and a half. I wanted to stay there all night in the darkness of the sanctuary listening to the chanting, and staring into the glowing faces of the candlelit icons.

Needless to say, it was hard to fall back asleep after such an experience. Eventually I did and I spent the next day walking around the gardens praying and reflecting on how many areas in my life in which I have room to grow. It was a perfect day. I did everything that cares of the world don't allow me to do like spend a lot of time in prayer, writing in my journal, reading, taking pictures, and just walking around literally smelling the well, they didn't have roses so I had to settle for these little white flowers they had. That evening we went to Great Compline and Liturgy at 3am. Sadly, we had to leave early in the morning, shortly after liturgy to begin our long trek back to Oregon.

Things I learned while at St. Anthony's:

1) The world is a difficult place wrought with temptations
2) I am weak
3) God is strong (loving, merciful, powerful, and BIG)
4) There is no such thing as too much prayer, especially for the weak
5) We are ALL weak
and lastly,
6) If you drive 1,300 miles to Arizona to see St. Anthony's, make sure you plan to stay longer than two days...

This post is drawing to a close at last. I tell my students that good writers often will end back at the beginning, tying everything together so that the reader feels a true sense of closure. So what can I say? Did my trip solve all my problems? No, unfortunately they were waiting for me when I got home. But I am changed, I am humbled, and I am thankful. I am thankful for the blessing to go on this trip; for the opportunity to grow closer to my fellow trip mates Christy and Catherine, and finally, to have had time away to recognize the many ways that I can be a better daughter, sister, friend, teacher, and loving person to all of God's people.

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Mormons!

I like talking to Mormons. I don't know why exactly but it started when I lived in Milan for 6 months while in college. I was alone in a dirty and cold city where few people spoke English except for the group of five Mormon guys who found themselves in the same big city as me for two years.

Here in America the Mormon church is pretty big, everyone at least has heard of Mormons or has a friend or co-worker who is one. They are easy to spot in their black suits, starched white shirts, and "Elder" name tags. They are clean cut, friendly and would do anything to get you take a copy of "their book."

But back to me. I was lonely and homesick walking through the streets of Milan...I spotted them in the distance with their big three-sectioned bulletin board and table set up in the middle of a bustling pedestrian oriented street. They looked out of place and almost bored. I can imagine it might be hard to "minister" to a country that is 98% Catholic and not particularly fond of Americans trying to tell them how to live. So I saw this as a chance to relieve them of their monotonous day and found comfort in hearing words spoke in English.

At this point in my life I had just discovered Orthodoxy and then found myself in Italy with plenty of free time and 5 books about Orthodoxy including Eusebius' Church history and the Orthodox Dogmatic Theology among others. I was excited about Orthodoxy and anxious to get home so that I could start practicing it in an English speaking place. Nonetheless, the point of this encounter with the Mormons was more about fulfilling this longing and need to speak English with Americans than to defend Orthodoxy. So I walked up to one of them and started talking. Immediately I was surrounded by two others eager to join in the conversation and "protect" their fellow Elder from the danger of talking to a girl alone. Always having been fascinated by Mormonism in a "how can they believe this stuff?" kind of way, I listened as they performed their well rehearsed history of the "true" church founded by Joseph Smith. I started to ask them questions about church history and once I asked something that was beyond their "script" they started to quiz me about what I knew. Nearly an hour later I had answered all their questions, refused to accept their book, and had their strongest debater promise me to look into the Orthodox Church.

Since then, I have worked closely with a sweet Mormon gal and befriended a fervent Mormon girl in my graduate school program. However, I have lost touch with both of them and had little contact with people from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for a year or so. This is where my story begins:

This past week I was visiting a college friend up in Seattle. It was on this drizzly Friday afternoon that I answered my friend's door to find Elder Nielson and Elder Peters, fresh faced, wet, and clutching their personal copies of the Book of Mormon. They were there to offer me a copy and to ask me to "pray so that the holy spirit would reveal to me the truth that the book contained." I listened politely and started off with the question "What about the passage in the Bible where is says to beware of false prophets?" They had a canned answer for that one and then moved on to asking me if I knew anything about their founder Joseph Smith. I explained that I had heard the story before but listened as they eagerly explained that there "are a lot of misunderstandings about their church" and that they are really "a lot like other Christian churches except" that they "have all of the truth that God did not reveal in the Bible when the church was lost."
"Hmm...interesting...When was the church lost?" I asked
"Well, after the first twelve apostles died"
"You mean around 100AD when the Apostle John died?" I inquired
"Yes, when the apostolic succession was broken because of the people's sinfulness" Elder Nielson explained.
"Really? I've never heard that before because in the book of Acts it is pretty clear that the Apostles went around "proclaiming God's word to all of the nations" and appointed bishops, presbyters, and deacons establishing churches wherever they went. How did the truth "die with the last Apostle?" I elaborated.
"Well we believe that there were really two set of 12 apostles" Elder Nielson started "And we believe that there are modern day prophets living on the earth right now. That is just one of the differences between our church and others."
"So let me get this straight," I continued "After the first 12 Apostles died the world was "lost without a church" for thousands of years until Joe Smith had a vision in the 1800s? Why would God abandon the Church that He sent His son to die for? It couldn't be because of our sinfulness..."
The other Elder interrupted, "Well He allowed it to happen so that the truth could be proclaimed in America"
"If you truly believe in the God that is revealed in the Bible, one who is all powerful, with whom "nothing is impossible" then I find it hard to believe that He would abandon His people for thousands of years. Doesn't that sound kind of crazy to you?" I expanded.
I loved his response, "Well, there are only two churches on earth who claim to be the True Church, the Catholic Church and the Mormon church so one of us has to be right."
"Have you ever heard of the Orthodox Church?"
"The Greek Orthodox Church? Yes, I have heard of it, they are just another church that split away from the Catholic Church, I don't know much about them." he answered.
"Well, I am an Orthodox Christian and if you are looking for the Church that was the Christian Church that Christ established on earth- the one that Apostles proclaimed, the one that God has not abandoned but has kept intact since Christ was here, you will find it no where else but within the Orthodox Church." Then I went on to explaining about the "early church" and the five centers of Christianity and the Great Schism and so on. They interrupted me and asked if I knew that the Bible wasn't written until hundreds of years after the Apostles? I explained that it was actually "compiled" around 300AD and it was done in a counsel with all of the representatives from the Christian world inspired by the Holy Spirit. Nothing was done outside of the collaboration of a counsel and even then, they never made anything up, they just clarified beliefs and practices that had already been in existence since Christ. They also combated many of the heresies that had seeped into the Church. (Thinking in my head: including that old one Arianism of which your church was built.)

At this point it had been a good 20 minutes or more and they are still standing at the door only slightly protected from the rain. I didn't feel comfortable inviting them into a house that was not mine. But they were intrigued to say the least. They looked at me with amazement and almost dare I say it- awe. I felt like they wanted to ask me more questions but they couldn't because they were there to convince me of their truth, not the other way around.

I asked them very kindly if they were born into Mormon families and if they had ever looked at any faiths or other "kinds of Christianity" outside of their church. They were both from Mormon families and had never sought truth anywhere else but had "read the book of Mormon, prayed that the truth would be revealed to them and it was" which is why they were at my door. I said that emotions are a really strong part of religious faith and that it is important for a person to be sure that they are not solely relying on their "feelings" to determine what they belief. God gave us our intellect, therefore offering us a chance to wholeheartedly seek the Truth to its fullest. I was saying this in my most friendly but authoritative voice trying to be careful that I wasn't completely invalidating their faith (although in a way I was.) They said that I "brought up a good point" but that if I just read the book the holy spirit would tell me that it was right. They went onto ask me if I knew that that the book of Mormon "explained all of the LITTLE details that the Bible doesn't like the nature of the Trinity how they are really three separate beings instead of one."

"I am sorry," I interrupted, "I wouldn't call the nature of the Trinity a "small detail." I would say that it is pretty much the most fundamental Truth that you have to believe in order to be a Christian."

"Okay," he stuttered "I am just telling you that all the answers are in the book of Mormon"

"I still don't think we will get anywhere this way because you might be wrong. I can take your book and read it, and the holy spirit could tell me that it is wrong, what then?

They laughed uncomfortably and replied, "We don't believe that is possible." I continued after my own uncomfortable laugh

"Have you ever thought about the fact that you could be wrong? I did and I sought the truth outside of what I knew and what I was raised to believe and I believe that I have now found it. Unfortunately nothing I say here can convince you of it and nothing that you guys tell me will convince me that you are right. So I will take your book of Mormon if you agree to look into the history of the Christian church."

They politely declined and stood there for a bit like they wanted to continue but my friend called me from the other room to go to lunch. They thanked me for my time, smiled and asked my name. I told them that it was great talking to them, wished them luck, and apologized for making them stand in the rain for so long. (It had been 45 minutes total.)

It felt good to talk to them, not in a prideful, "I am right and you are wrong" sort of way but because of the expression on Elder Nielson's face when I talked. He was actually listening to me whereas the other one I could tell by the look on this face was calculating how he was going to respond to my words using his memorized manual of responses. I stood there, shivering for most of the conversation wanting nothing more than to love these two young men who are out spreading the word which they believe so fervently. I wanted to unwrap and open the lid of the box in which they have lived in all their lives and let the light of Truth in. I know that I was by no means successful in doing that; however, I think I shook the box a bit so that maybe, someday they will question if Truth exists outside it.

Profound moment in traffic

Now that I live here on the Westside I am growing more accustomed to the fact that it takes forever to get just about anywhere.

The other day I was sitting in the long line of traffic waiting to get onto the freeway. There was a man with a sign that read "I like being here about as much as you like seeing me here." Further down the sign read "Homeless, drug-free, anything helps." This man has become somewhat of a fixture at the Bethany entrance to Hwy 26. This wasn't the first time I had encountered him there- shivering in the cold, holding his sign which bore such words of truth.

I had plenty of time to think about this man as I slowly inched closer to the entrance light. I started to think about his life- I wondered: "What kind of events have occured in his life which led him to the this point? Does he have a family? Where does he sleep at night? Does he get any sleep?" I can never sleep when I am cold- I am sure he is always beyond cold.

I was getting closer and was thankful that I had cash on me (a rare occurance in and of itself) and glad that I just happened to be in the lane close to him. I rolled down my window and handed him what little I had, wishing I could do more for him.

I smiled and said "God bless you." The man's eyes lit up as he replied, "He does. He blesses me every day in ways that continually amaze me...Thank you." He smiled back and continued, "God bless you too and be safe."

The light turned green and I was thrust onto the freeway off to live my "busy life" humbled and amazed by this man's simple and profound words.

So this is life

I am back. It's been awhile and a lot has happened. I am not quite sure where to begin so I am just going to hit the ground running (seems like I have been doing a lot of that lately).

For those of you who haven't heard, I got a full time teaching job the third week into the school year. I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am. I am teaching 5th grade at Kinnaman Elementary School in Aloha. I got the job on a Thursday and started working the next day. I had three days to set up a classroom which had previously been used as storage. Then I started with my students the following Wednesday.

I am blessed with an absolutely amazing group of 24 kids, they definately keep me on my toes academically and socially but so far I have enjoyed the challange and purpose which they have brought to my life these past two months.

Here are some things which I have learned so far about being a 5th grade teacher:

1) 5th graders are messy and don't seem to mind living in disarray.
2) 5th graders like to talk, if they could I think they could talk to me, each other, themselves, or even the wall all day long.
3) 5th graders are a lot smarter, wittier, and more creative then most people give them credit for.
4) The majority of 5th graders (girls and boys alike) would rather play video games or watch wrestling than read or play outside with friends. Sad but true.
5) 5th graders and (kids in general) are home to many horrible strains of cold viruses- one or more of which I am currently in bed afflicted with.

In other life changing Meika news, I have also officially moved out of el casa de mi mama and I am living at the Farm House with Laura, Christy, Chloe, and Elaine. I love my gigantic pale violet room which Chloe surprisingly gave me with love as she chose to live in the sewing closet in the basement. She is amazing.

I am still in the process of moving in, most of my stuff is still in boxes but it is an arduous endeavor considering how busy and sick I have been. Other than that, I am really enjoying living with my closest friends even if the times that we are all here together is rare.

Well, that's the news for now. Stayed tuned for future posts such as: "Life: Suburban or Urban?" and "The Multnomah Boys Part II: The Catecumenite Period..."

Cheater

Dear Readers

I am so sorry. There's really no easy way to say this. But all of those times over the past few months when you have checked my blog hoping for something more only to be disappointed there's a reason. I know you might have gotten this thought into your head as horrible as it may be, others of you have probably never let the thought occur to you, still others like Katie, have caught me red-handed in the act. Yes, the rumors are true.

The reason why I have not written in two months is because I have been cheating on Blogspot with a younger, more immature, MySpace. (insert loud gasp here). Once I started, all my friends were doing it I just couldn't stop. But, never fear, I have realized the error of my ways and I promise that I will be back writing here in Blogspot very very soon. I wish you all well and humbly ask your forgiveness...

Me Write Pretty

I am much more of a writer than a talker. When I write, words for the most part, flow effortlessly onto the page; in stark contrast to the way I often times find my words swirling and crashing into each other like bumber cars when I am trying to express myself verbally. Don't get me wrong, I love to talk, "I could talk and not talk about anything" forever (Best in Show reference) but, when it comes to answering theological questions about Orthodoxy my answers leave much to be desired.

I have been challenged a lot recently to answer some particularly meaty questions about Orthodoxy from two of my friends that I have known for years from my days as summer camp counselor at a Presbyterian summer camp. I have often found myself in the past few days struggling to find the "perfect words" to illustrate the Church's beliefs in the most honest, simplistic, and informative ways without the so much as a hint of judgement about other kinds of Christian beliefs in my tone of voice. This is no easy task. I have been so fearful that I am going say something that is a) wrong or b) right but say it in the wrong way and misrepresent Orthodoxy. Now I know that this wouldn't be the end of the world and I am careful to preface anything that I say about Orthodoxy with something like "I have only been Orthodox for a year, I don't have all the answers but can probably help you find someone or a book that does" but I still feel like there is a heavy and important burden on my shoulders to say what I believe is the "right" or "orthodox" way (ha ha).

Spending the past two days with my friend Joel has been really good for me in the sense that I have been forced to go through this process of answering questions verbally on the spot. Each time we talk I find myself swimming in the recesses of my memory full of countless particles of information, phrases from psalms, words of memorized prayers, scripture loosley quoted, paraphrased quotes from Saints, and bits and pieces of Father's homilies on various topics. I start to tread water, frantically trying to scoop all of the pieces together and form a coherent answer. This process reminds me of all the time I have spent fiddling around with word magnets that people have on their refridgerators. I love those things, but no matter how long you stand at the fridge forming sentences you are always missing the necessary words like "and," "if," and "was" or endings like "ing." However, with Orthodoxy, the missing words are something like "Apostolic Succession," "uncreated light of God" or "sacrament."

Joel had some really tough but basic questions for me that I spent a lot of time mid-sentence wishing that I could just have him write the questions all down and give them to me so I could go home and; like a good student, consult my books and write the most eloquent, intelligent answers, complete with references to scripture and quotes from the Fathers. (o: Instead, I answered them the best I could and hoped that more would be filled in for him later. I was glad that he was able to go to Young Adults and find more answers there. First challenge completed.

Today's task was a bit more complicated. Enter camp friend #2 who is older and actually going to seminary of all things! He was raised Lutheran, currently attends a Four Square Church with his wife, goes to a Baptist Seminary, and just finished a class on the beliefs of the Catholic Church so he had ALL kinds of questions for me. I have been waiting to get together with this friend for quite sometime now, almost a year actually. He is truly seeking a deeper understanding of his faith right now and has found himself drawn to me since he found out that I converted to a church that he had never heard of before.

I have seen friend #2 at social gatherings with camp people maybe four times over the past year and we inevitably end up in the corner somewhere talking for hours about religion. I have given him lots of things to read and invited him and his wife to church several times but nothing has happened until recently we finally set a time and a place to meet. This time and day was today at 7pm after I have spent much of the past days feeling pretty insufficient in my answers about faith. Today was really important to me because it has been such a long time coming and I was uneasy about our meeting for most of the day.

Then, something happened. After work I was lying in my bed saying the prayer to the Theotokos:

"Rejoice, O Virgin Theotokos. Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, for thou hast bourne the Savior of our souls"

and suddenly and overwhelming sense of peace washed over me. I finally began to realize that it is not up to me to make Orthodoxy sound perfect to people by coming up with the "right" words to say. Nothing is up to me, it is all in God's hands. The only thing I have to do, is the best I can, and leave the rest up to God. Much of my stress about answering these questions was coming from pride, pride in a sense that I like to think that I really know a lot about my faith, I mean, I have a whole bookshelf full of Orthodox books that I have read, some of them twice! I have spent countless hours attending services, inquiry classes, young adults, and made trips to holy places, I SHOULD be able to express all of my knowledge intelligently right? But then I was reminded that these things are for my salvation not for others. The time I spend learning is so that I can grow in my relationship with God not so that I can share my experiences with others in a way that is going to "sell" the Church to them.

It has been easy for me to feel burdened by discussing Orthodoxy because I care a lot about the people around me, and it is hard to see them seeking and struggling when I know where they can find peace. . I look around me at my family and my close friends and see them suffering I want so much just to wrap Orthodoxy up in a perfect box and label it "TRUTH" and give it to them. I wish that they could open it and embrace it with ease and we could fight the war with the same weapons (the tools of the Church.)

But the truth is that this is not reality for most people, it certainly wasn't for me, I spent almost two years recognizing Orthodoxy as Truth and saying "No thank you." It was humbling for me to realize today that outside of prayer and living by example I am powerless in terms of whether or not people will become Orthodox. It was also comforting to realize that God's got everything under control, talking pretty isn't up to me, and in all honesty, might not seem as real to people than an honest "It is really hard for me to explain somethings about my faith because a lot of it is understanding through doing"

So I went to coffee with friend number 2 and his wife and spent two hours answersing his questions as simply, honestly, and (this time,) prayerfully as I could. It was interesting answering his questions because they were all about the differences between the Catholic and Orthodox Churchs. I am more used to answering questions about Protestantism. I was mostly struck by the similarities that I found between what he had been taught in his class about what the Catholic Church believes and what the Orthodox Church believes.

Everything sounded similar, phrases like, "Christ is the 'new Adam' and Mary the 'new Eve,'" "The ever-virginity of Mary" or "Apostolic Succession" but then they were each twisted in ways that were very much NOT Orthodox like there's that whole Immaculate Conception of Mary dogma and Peter as the first Pope with the keys to the kingdom which I was glad to have my Orthodox Study Bible with me to draw from the commentary on specific passages in the Bible.

Overall, the conversation went really well, I was thoughtful in my answers gathering all the answers from my shallow wading pool of knowlege. Unlike my conversations with Joel, this one felt incredibly peaceful and seems to be a good start to many conversations to come with this set of friends. Hopefully, with God's grace, my small role will help both my family and friends journeys bear much fruit. Lord have mercy...

Quick Tidbits

Not much to share today just some things that happened this week that have made me laugh and smile.

1) I was walking back from the pool with my kids and I noticed one of them had his initials monogramed on his backpack so we started playing "guess your middle name." I told him that mine started with a "G" and he thought for a second and without hesitation and in complete seriousness said, "Is it Grandma?" Oh my gosh how did he guess it? Just call me "Meika "Grandma" Perkins!"

2) The kids have started making those paper fortune teller things that were popular when I was a kid. When I was young, only the cool kids new how to make them. I just learned how to yesterday for the first time. (So I guess I am "cool" now) Anyway, all afternoon I was followed around by three kids in particular singing "Meika, pick a color, pick a number, now pick another number" to which I would hear some horrible fortune like "You will be bitten by many mosquitos" or "You will get your arm bitten off by a giant human-eating spider." But the best fortune was at the end of a long day, I was busy cleaning off the tables while there was only one girl left waiting for her parents. I had had listened to a lot of fortunes that day but was particularly struck by the one she read me:

"You will always be loved"

It made my day, not only because it is true for all of us, but because it is so simple. In just five words this seven-year old girl reminded me of the truth for which all humans seek, simply to be loved unconditionally in the way that is found only with God.